Contradicting Desires: Responsibility and Fun

Written by Austen Grafa

​As summer starts to wind down I have noticed a common theme arising with many of my clients. Maybe there is a primal drive encouraging everyone to prepare for winter or maybe there is some grief arising as the warm weather starts to fade away. Either way, a theme of contradicting desires has shown up, specifically between Responsibility and Fun.

We all have parts of ourselves that contradict each other; and two of the most common parts are the “Responsible Part” and the “Fun Part”.

The Responsible part knows that it takes commitment and sacrifice to achieve your goals. They push you to work hard and hold you accountable. When they push too hard this may sound like a harsh inner critic.

The Fun part knows that life is meant to be enjoyed. They pull you to live in the moment and to seek out pleasure and joy. When they have too much control this could pull you into unhealthy or unhelpful habits that could jeopardize the life and relationships you care about.

When both parts are active, the push and pull can be quite confusing or even paralyzing. It can be tempting to think that one of these parts has to win and convince the other part to “get in line” - and depending on your adaptive strategies, you may have a part that often “wins” this internal battle.

But what if this wasn’t a battle to be won?

Each of these parts is doing what it thinks is best for you. Each of these parts deeply care about you and your well being; neither is all right or all wrong. The Responsible part wants you to achieve your goals and the Fun part doesn’t want you to miss out on life in this moment.

What if you were in a relationship with both of these parts? What would an ongoing
conversation between these parts sound like? Is there a way for each part to feel validated? Can you sit and feel the inevitable tension of letting both parts be heard?

Try taking a few deep breaths and notice if both of these parts are alive in you. Without needing to fix or resolve the tension, try breathing into the internal conflict and allow for both parts to be present.