Now we will count to twelve and we will all keep still...What I want should not be confused with total inactivity. Life is what it is about...If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves. -Pablo Neruda, Keeping Quiet
Last week, I was doing an exercise class that focused on the legs. We did one side, and by the time we switched to the opposite leg, my whole lower body felt sore! I didn't want to move to the right side of my body, as the left side already hurt enough. I considered giving up, when the instructor spoke up. "Instead of focusing on the pain you are currently in and what you have left," she said, "appreciate the work you have already done." In that moment, my perspective totally changed. Instead of dreading the work left to be done, I started appreciating the other side of my body. I may have even congratulated myself out loud. As I thought about the work my body had done physically, I found myself lost in a series of personal memories where I had become overwhelmed by the tasks ahead of me. How many times had I spent more time dreading an exam in college than actually studying for it? Or what about the times when I have known I needed counseling but refused to go out of fear of the work ahead. The dread and anxiety about the future can seem crippling and even lead to a type of paralysis. But What If We Slowed Things Down? Instead of ruminating about our own fear and discomfort surrounding the future, what might happen if we paused to celebrate the small decisions that helped us arrive at our present. Is there something in your near future that surrounds you with anxiety? Maybe it's a job you are nervous to apply for, or a conversation with a friend that you are dreading. Or perhaps it is the day-to-day that bogs you down. When my child was younger, I used to lie in bed and think, "there is no way I will have enough energy to make it through tomorrow." What if we slowed down our worry and replaced it with remembrance? What made you interested in the job you are nervous to apply for? What professional skills are you proud of? What work did you do to attain those skills? Take time to remember what you have done and celebrate your accomplishments. For the mother worried that she will never have enough energy for the next day, remember the work you did that morning! Did you wake up? did you change diapers? did you hold and nourish your child? celebrate the work you have already done. As we take time to celebrate our past accomplishments, we can be led to empowerment and find freedom from anxiety. Can you pause today to celebrate the small victories in your life? What have you done today that has led you to success? What about in the past week or month? At times, our minds are moving so quickly that it seems impossible to slow down to pause and remember. If this practice seems too daunting to you right now, it could be helpful to seek outside help from a counselor. Working with a counselor will not only help you to create more space to make decisions, but will also help reduce overall stress. If you can in this moment, I invite you to pause. Appreciate the work you have already done.
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Written by Christian Swan, originally published on June 1, 2017
I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay. A Blow to your Expectations Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. Creating New Rituals After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body? Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. Remember Why Self-Care Matters It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter! In the journey of healing from trauma, fostering self-compassion is not only crucial but also deeply transformative. Here, we delve into practical steps individuals can take to cultivate self-compassion as they navigate the complexities of trauma recovery.
1. Mindfulness Practices: Begin by cultivating awareness of your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment. Mindfulness allows you to observe your inner experience with curiosity and kindness, rather than getting caught up in self-criticism or rumination. Practices such as mindfulness meditation, body scans, and mindful breathing can help anchor you in the present moment and cultivate a compassionate attitude toward yourself. 2. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Criticism: Notice the ways in which you speak to yourself and challenge the inner critic with self-kindness. When faced with self-critical thoughts, imagine what you would say to a close friend experiencing similar struggles. Offer yourself words of encouragement, validation, and support, acknowledging that you are doing the best you can in challenging circumstances. 3. Self-Compassionate Self-Talk: Develop a repertoire of compassionate phrases or mantras to soothe and reassure yourself in times of distress. Repeat these phrases regularly, especially when facing triggers or difficult emotions. Examples include, "May I be kind to myself in this moment," "I am worthy of love and understanding," and "I am not alone in my struggles." 4. Cultivate a Supportive Inner Dialogue: Engage in a compassionate inner dialogue, acknowledging your experiences with empathy and understanding. Reflect on the ways in which you have shown resilience and strength in the face of adversity. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and recognize that healing is a journey that unfolds gradually over time. 5. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities and practices that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and a sense of fulfillment. Whether it's spending time in nature, practicing yoga, or connecting with loved ones, self-care is an essential aspect of self-compassion and healing. 6. Seek Support: Reach out for support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals who can offer validation, empathy, and guidance on your healing journey. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and support you, and don't hesitate to ask for help when needed. By incorporating these practices into your daily life, you can cultivate a compassionate relationship with yourself that serves as a cornerstone of your healing journey. Remember, self-compassion is not about denying your pain or minimizing your experiences but rather embracing yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance as you navigate the path toward healing and wholeness. In the wake of trauma, amidst the pain and challenges, there exists a profound opportunity for growth and resilience known as post-traumatic growth (PTG). This transformative process involves finding meaning, cultivating resilience, and experiencing personal growth in the aftermath of adversity. When healing from trauma, it is essential to understand PTG and how it intertwines with the healing of the nervous system.
Post-traumatic growth is not about minimizing the impact of trauma or dismissing the pain it causes. Instead, it acknowledges that trauma can catalyze profound inner change and transformation. Through PTG, individuals may develop a deeper appreciation for life, experience increased personal strength, forge deeper connections with others, and discover new possibilities for growth and fulfillment. Central to the process of post-traumatic growth is the healing of the nervous system. Trauma can dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, leaving individuals in a state of chronic stress, hypervigilance, or dissociation. However, through interventions such as trauma-informed therapy, mindfulness practices, and somatic experiencing, it's possible to restore balance and resilience to the nervous system. These approaches help individuals regulate their stress responses, release stored trauma from the body, and cultivate a greater sense of safety and well-being. Fostering post-traumatic growth requires a safe and supportive therapeutic environment where individuals feel empowered to explore their experiences and emotions. By validating their struggles and offering tools for healing, therapists can guide clients on a journey of self-discovery and transformation. Through compassionate listening, empathy, and unconditional positive regard, therapists can help individuals navigate the complexities of trauma and embrace the potential for growth and resilience. While the path to post-traumatic growth may be challenging, it offers hope and possibility for those who have experienced trauma. By embracing the journey of healing, individuals can cultivate resilience, find meaning in their experiences, and ultimately thrive in the face of adversity. For us therapists, it is a privilege to witness the resilience and strength of individuals as they embark on this transformative journey toward post-traumatic growth. In conclusion, post-traumatic growth is a testament to the human spirit's capacity for resilience and transformation. By understanding the role of the nervous system in trauma healing and creating a supportive therapeutic environment, trauma specialists can facilitate this process of growth and empowerment. Together, we can honor the courage and resilience of trauma survivors as they navigate the path toward healing, growth, and a renewed sense of purpose. When discussing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with clients in the aftermath of their traumatic experience, we have noticed a recurring experience. Many times, clients who meet criteria for the diagnosis of PTSD understand this to mean that they will always suffer from the effects of their trauma. All too often, we see a shadow sweep over our client’s faces as shame and fear rise in their bodies. We want to help clarify this particular diagnosis with a message of hope. PTSD is not a lifelong chronic condition, rather a description of how our bodies work to restore safety after trauma. Let’s talk about Post Traumatic Stress and how we can use this information to work toward healing.
Post-traumatic stress (PTS) is a natural response to experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event, impacting both mind and body. When confronted with trauma, the body's nervous system initiates a complex cascade of responses aimed at survival. Understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma can shed light on the symptoms individuals may experience, such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, and emotional dysregulation. Understanding PTS must involve the nervous system's role in trauma, which illuminates how our body reacts to perceived threats. Traumatic experiences can dysregulate the autonomic nervous system, leading to a state of hyperarousal or dissociation. This dysregulation can disrupt the body's ability to distinguish between real and perceived danger, resulting in ongoing feelings of fear and vulnerability. By learning about the nervous system processes at play, individuals can gain insight into their symptoms and recognize that they are not signs of weakness but rather adaptive responses to overwhelming circumstances. This knowledge can also inform treatment approaches, emphasizing interventions aimed at regulating the nervous system's stress response. Treatment for PTS often involves therapeutic modalities that target both the mind and body. Polyvagal theory helps to pay attention to nervous system signals and to use this information to create safety in the mind and body. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps individuals become skillful in mindfulness, emotional regulation, interpersonal skills and distress tolerance, while somatic experiencing focuses on releasing stored trauma from the body. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) and Brainspotting harness the brain's natural healing mechanisms to reprocess traumatic memories and alleviate distress. These approaches not only address psychological symptoms but also aim to restore balance to the nervous system. Despite the challenges posed by PTS, there is hope for recovery. With the right support and resources, individuals can learn to regulate their nervous system responses, reduce symptoms, establish safety and cultivate resilience. It's essential to approach treatment with compassion and patience, recognizing that healing is a gradual process that unfolds over time. In conclusion, understanding the neurobiological impact of trauma is crucial for navigating post-traumatic stress with compassion and efficacy. By integrating this knowledge into psychoeducation and treatment approaches, we can empower individuals to reclaim agency over their healing journey. Remember, recovery is possible, and there is hope for a brighter future beyond trauma's shadow. Next week’s blog post will be about Post Traumatic Growth. Introducing Radical Acceptance Radical Acceptance is a core skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This skill falls into the category of Distress Tolerance skills. We reach for this skill when we are navigating something big and hard in our life that is outside of our control or influence. The idea behind Radical Acceptance is that we can work to improve our wellbeing even in the midst of the big and hard things. To appreciate what Radical Acceptance can offer us, we must first understand the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is an inevitable part of being human in our world. We will all experience pain at different times in our life. Suffering, however, is caused when we make choices that make painful circumstances harder for ourselves. Radical Acceptance seeks to accept pain and reduce suffering. When we reduce suffering, we grow in emotional resilience and wellbeing. Understanding Radical Acceptance Radical Acceptance is the act of fully acknowledging and embracing reality without judgment or resistance. In other words, Radical Acceptance is a choice to stop fighting against reality. Likely something is happening in our life that is hard and beyond our ability to change it, and we are left with the decision to accept (radically) or reject the reality of the situation. The radical part of Radical Acceptance speaks to the complete and total nature of our choice to accept reality. Radical Acceptance is not resignation or apathy, rather it is a conscious choice to yield to what is real. Radical Acceptance also does not require our stamp of approval on the difficult circumstances, instead a simple acknowledgement that it exists and that we will stop fighting against it. Suffering comes when we fight against painful events that we don’t have the power to change, and Radical Acceptance offers us a peaceful alternative. Cultivating Radical Acceptance DBT offers us some step-by-step guidance on how to execute the choice to Radically Accept painful circumstances.
We can draw upon other DBT skills as tools to help us in this process. Mindfulness skills help us notice what is happening internally and externally and bring awareness to the present moment. Additionally, mindfulness skills call us to self-compassion and nonjudgmental observation of emotions. We may have an opportunity to reframe negative thoughts about our reality and notice growth opportunities or unexpected benefits. Some nourishing activities like journaling and spending time in nature can help promote acceptance. Often times, Radical Acceptance requires patience and practice, as most painful events will require us to choose acceptance over and over again. Disclaimer: Radical Acceptance is not an excuse for harmful or abusive dynamics, but it may be a starting point for being honest about the harm that exists. May this honesty open doors for healing and support. Written by Allison Harvey
Trauma survivors have gone through something that challenged every part of them, most significantly their sense of safety. Their needs are personal, unique to their personality and circumstances, and often quite delicate. Naming these needs creates space for trauma survivors to feel safe, work toward healing and maintain connection with loved ones. Physical Needs On a very basic level, trauma survivors have a need for safety and security. Through their traumatic incident(s), they learned to be on guard and watchful. Trauma survivors need a physical location where they can let their guard down and rest. Trauma survivors also need access to medical and psychological care—professionals to come alongside them and nurture their physical and emotional self back to health. Trauma survivors also need adequate nutrition and sleep. Tending to these basic needs helps to heal a nervous system that felt a strong lack of safety. Emotional Needs Those who have survived trauma(s) have a strong need for emotional understanding, empathy and validation. When they are ready to share about their story, they need to be received with compassion, support and validation that says “what you are feeling makes sense to me.” Trauma survivors can also be supported with emotional skills that help them navigate trauma triggers and a large emotional burden while they are healing. Social Needs Trauma healing happens within a safe, understanding and supportive relationship(s). Those who have survived trauma need their people to remain open to them. Trauma healing can be messy and indirect, so survivors need compassion and grace to learn to feel safe in relationships again. Survivors may need more accommodations so that they can stay regulated, and this may look like them setting boundaries or asking for certain changes. Connecting with others who are healing from trauma can be very beneficial as well. Psychological Needs Professionals who are supporting trauma survivors should be trauma-informed and have a path toward healing in mind. Psychological care should be gentle and paced by the survivor. Professionals should respect the trauma survivor’s wishes to tell their story or not, knowing that healing can happen either way. Trauma survivors benefit greatly from learning and practicing coping mechanisms and stress management techniques. All of these activities support the survivor to rebuild trust, regain resilience and personal strength. Practicing this DBT Skill can help us stay grounded and connected this holiday season! Mindfulness is a skill that, when practiced regularly, is a great tool to reduce stress, connect with our personal goals and create genuine connection with others. The holidays can be rich in memory, sentiment and relationship. They can also be full of family expectations, grief and reminders of trauma. These, and many more experiences, can overwhelm, cause us to disregard our own needs, and flood us with many different emotions. In order to enjoy the positive aspects of the holiday and skillfully navigate the challenges, try practicing mindfulness throughout your holiday season!
Mindfulness has three components:
Mindfulness as Stress-Reduction For many, the holiday season means a busy schedule and many more tasks and to-dos than normal. Practicing mindfulness in the midst of the whirlwind helps to produce moments of calm to catch our breath and remember our priorities. Mindfulness also helps us evaluate where our time and energy are going and make the most intentional decisions for ourselves in this season. Mindfulness as Social Support Paying attention to the present moment, without judgement can give us a lot of important information about what is happening in a room, or in a conversation. In the midst of a holiday gathering, take a moment to simply observe what is happening inside and outside of yourself. Allow yourself the gift of a few deeper breaths. Notice who is talking with who, and what those dynamics are like. Notice what is happening inside yourself as you connect with different people. Hold this information lightly and without judgement, and allow this information to guide your interactions. Mindfulness to support Intentional Decisions If you find yourself navigating a lot of spoken and/or unspoken expectations over the holidays, mindfulness skills can help you identify your needs and desires and to stay connected to them throughout the season. Spend some intentional moments noticing where you would like your time and energy to go this season, what would make it memorable and special for you and yours. Notice how other’s expectations are making you feel, especially if those expectations cause you to disregard your own needs and desires. Give yourself the gift of staying connected to yourself and your values, which becomes a much more congruent and grounded holiday experience. Have you lost a loved one and find yourself in a never-ending sea of grief? The process of mourning typically takes much longer than we anticipate. As a grief therapist, I know that grief can take a long time, often extending years after a significant loss. There is no protocol for how long grieving is meant to take. In fact, the grief process is wholly informed by the relationship itself. However, there may be some reasons that we may extend the grieving. If this is your experience, you may be encouraged to know that moving through grief emotions and adjustments may help you remember more from your time with your person.
1. We hang on to grief as a way to stay close to our person Grief and mourning are an intense and all-consuming experience. When we are processing and feeling and adjusting on such an intense scale, our brain is much less available for it’s normal functions. It is common to feel brain fog while grieving. The griever may be tempted to stay in this phase of grief because it centers the person that they lost. The focus is on the relationship and the stories are about the person. The pain seems to point back to their person. The logic here is that staying in the pain of grief must be the only way to stay connected to the person who is now gone. There is a time for all grievers when the pain eases, the emotions have softened and the adjustments are starting to feel normal. It is important to acknowledge when the grief seems to be letting up. And the good news here is that when the griever is out of “survival mode,” they are able to access many more memories and stories from their time with their person. There is a sense of gaining more of them back as the grief softens. 2. We hang on to grief because we don’t know what comes next Another common experience for those grieving a significant loss is a fear and confusion about the future. Moving forward in life without your person seems impossible for so many reasons. As uncomfortable as the grief experience can be, it does become familiar terrain after a while. For some, the temptation is to stay in the grief because it is familiar instead of navigating the uncertainty of the future. Considering a new future is a creative task, and one that is unwelcome at first. Our imaginations fail to offer a vision of what our lives might offer us as we move forward. Even so, it is important to choose to allow yourself a new future. Moving toward the opportunities that open ahead of you does not mean that you leave your person in the past. In fact, your forward motion can be propelled by the strengths you have gained through your experiences with your person. We may be able to use their memory as a spring-board toward what comes next, imagining them as an encouraging and empowering voice nudging us forward. It is a lovely thing to learn to carry our person with us as we continue in life. Only the griever will know if they are hanging on to their grief unnecessarily. It is an internal milestone, marked by choice in the depths of a grief-stricken heart. If you find yourself wondering if it might be time to move forward and feeling stuck in your grief, please reach out for some support. Our team is available to help navigate all phases of this process! When we are grieving, we often ask ourselves, “when will I start to feel better?” Seasons of grief are intense and demanding in ways that we don’t experience otherwise. The emotional burden is great, our relationships may be strained as the result of our grief, and everything feels so far from normal. It is natural and normal to long for the end of these feelings. So, what does it look like to engage our grief in a way that leads to healing?
1. Learn to Tolerate and Accept the Difficult Emotions Grief requires us to befriend the most uncomfortable emotions. Grief emotions—shock, sadness, confusion, anger, longing, disorientation, despair—are all terribly uncomfortable to feel. And when our loss is significant, we end up feeling them for much longer than we ever expect. We increase our grief suffering when we fight against the grief emotions—ignoring, avoiding, overcompensating, engaging addiction—these all end up heightening our emotional experience. Additionally, when we don’t tend to our emotions, they may come out sideways in ways we don’t intend. We can help our grief process along by looking at each grief emotion that we find ourselves feeling and explore its source, its history, its message. In doing so, we are almost listening to the emotion, giving it time and space to breathe. For some, these grief emotions signal danger or threat. Take the time to disentangle these historical messages and learn to welcome each emotional character. In time each of the grief emotions will soften. 2. Notice and Name all of the Adjustments The other major focus of grief work is making many (sometimes hundreds!) of life adjustments. Without our person in our life, we may find ourselves needing to learn new skills, take on new tasks, fill new roles. Each one of these adjustments can take an enormous amount of emotional energy, during a time in life when energy is at a minimum. It is important to be aware of these adjustments, to bring them into focus by noticing and naming them. Even better, to be talking with an understanding person about them. Sometimes, we can slow the pace and take just one or two tasks or activities at a time. Other times, we just need to keep moving forward and taking care of business. Regardless, naming the many adjustments can be very helpful in processing grief and moving forward in healing. Notice for yourself how difficult these tasks feel. How are you navigating them today? Does your support system know you are working and healing in these ways? What can you request your people do for you as you engage grief healing? If you are in need of a skilled and sensitive grief therapist, please reach out to our team! We understand these tasks and are available to help create safety and opportunity for doing this work! |
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