When faced with the intense emotions of grief, the nervous system often triggers a fight response. This response is part of our survival mechanism, rooted deeply in our biology, designed to protect us from perceived threats. In the context of grief, the fight response can manifest as irritability, anger, or an overwhelming urge to confront or challenge the pain. While this reaction may seem out of place when dealing with loss, it’s the nervous system’s way of trying to regain control in a situation that feels profoundly disempowering.

Understanding this response is a crucial step in healing. The nervous system, in its attempt to defend us, sometimes misinterprets emotional pain as a physical threat, leading to this heightened state of alertness. Recognizing these reactions allows us to address them with compassion rather than self-criticism. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises can help calm the nervous system, shifting it out of the fight response and into a more balanced state. It's important to allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgment, knowing that they are a natural part of the grieving process.

Healing the nervous system after experiencing grief is a gradual process, but it is entirely possible. Engaging in regular self-care practices, seeking support from loved ones, and perhaps working with a therapist can all contribute to restoring a sense of safety and calm in the body. Over time, as the nervous system begins to heal, the intense fight responses will lessen, making space for a gentler and more compassionate experience of grief. This journey of healing is not linear, but with patience and support, it leads to a place of greater resilience and peace.

Grief is a profound emotional experience that can significantly impact both the mind and body. When we encounter the loss of a loved one, our nervous system may respond with a "freeze" reaction, a state where the body and mind become temporarily immobilized. This is a natural response to overwhelming stress and can be understood as part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" survival mechanism. During this freeze response, the brain and body may feel numb or disconnected, and it can be challenging to process emotions or engage with the world. Understanding this reaction is crucial, as it validates the complex physical and emotional responses we experience during grief.

Those who are caring for the mourning may not easily understand the freeze response they see in the mourner. And the mourner may not be able to fully express what they are experiencing or what they need in support. It is important to meet those who are grieving without agenda or expectation because their nervous system is overloaded by grief. Offering to help with practical matters and providing a gentle presence can be most supportive.

It is important to approach this healing process with compassion and patience. The journey through grief and the accompanying neurological responses is deeply personal and cannot be rushed. Healing from the freeze response involves working gently with the nervous system to restore a sense of safety and balance. Techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and gentle physical activity can help re-engage the body and mind. Social connection that is supportive and understanding also helps the nervous system feel safe enough to reengage. Additionally, seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief can provide a safe space to explore and process emotions. There is hope for healing, and by acknowledging and addressing the body's natural reactions to grief, individuals can find a path forward that honors their loss while fostering resilience and recovery.

The process of mourning begins with the essential and often painful step of acknowledging the reality of the death. This step requires mourners to gently confront the reality of their loss, which can take weeks, months, or even years. During this time, it is not uncommon for mourners to remind themselves repeatedly that their loved one has died. Accepting the permanence of this loss is crucial for healing, though it may be one of the most challenging aspects of the mourning process. Confronting the truth, despite the pain it brings, lays the foundation for moving forward.

Feeling the pain of the loss is another crucial aspect of the grieving process. Bereavement literally means to be torn apart, and embracing the pain that comes with loss is essential to healing. One of the greatest challenges for those accompanying mourners in their grief is to be present to the pain without trying to fix it. Allowing oneself to fully experience the depth of this pain, rather than avoiding or suppressing it, is a critical step towards eventual healing.

Remembering the person who has died is a vital part of the mourning journey. This involves exploring the relationship that existed with the deceased and working to remember them in their entirety, including both positive and negative aspects. By converting the relationship from one of presence to one of memory, mourners can honor the person who has died and keep their memory alive in a meaningful way. This process helps to integrate the loss into the mourner’s life and find a new way to maintain a connection with their loved one.

As the mourner adapts to life without their loved one, developing a new self-identity becomes necessary. The loss of a relationship often means adjusting to new roles and responsibilities in life. This readjustment allows the mourner to create a new sense of wholeness, filling in the gaps left by the deceased. This can be one of the most draining tasks of mourning, as it requires significant emotional and psychological effort to redefine oneself and one’s place in the world.

Searching for meaning in the aftermath of loss is a deeply personal and often spiritual journey. This process often involves an exploration of faith and values, as mourners reevaluate their meaning in life and reasons for continuing to live. It is essential for those supporting mourners to resist the temptation to provide answers to these profound questions. Allowing the mourner to find their own meaning and understanding is a vital part of the healing process, fostering a sense of personal growth and resilience.

Finally, receiving ongoing support from others is crucial for mourners as they navigate their grief. The need for support can last for months or even years, as grief does not follow a set timeline. Even when mourners appear to have adjusted to their loss externally, they may still be processing a great deal internally. After the acute pain of loss subsides, grief often manifests in "bursts," making it essential for mourners to have a network of support that they can rely on over the long term. This continued support helps them to cope with their grief and move towards healing. Our team of sensitive and skilled therapists can help navigate all of these needs!
  
Wolfelt, A.D. (2016) Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner. Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press. 

​Losing loved ones is an inevitable part of living as a human. The times surrounding a loved one’s death can be the most challenging seasons in our lives. Even though loss is a universal human experience, people who are grieving often feel alone and isolated because it seems like no one understands what they are going through. Having a supportive community can provide comfort, solace and opportunities for healing. Finding a grief-oriented community can maximize healing opportunities. 

​Grieving and healing in community is an ancient practice. Before the rise of individual achievement focused societal structures, there were community gathering places and multigenerational homes where people knew how to hold other’s grief. Grief begins healing when it is externalized. We call this expression of grief mourning. We also know that healing happens when our suffering is witnessed and received by a compassionate party. Perhaps more than any other condition, a community of compassionate and understanding witnesses can unlock the power of healing for those who are grieving.

​We believe that community offers opportunities to heal by both hearing and being heard. When we resonate with the stories others are telling, we learn that we are not alone. Sometimes community members verbalize a part of our own experience we haven’t been able to speak about yet. When we are able to see ourselves in another’s story, we are bolstered by the togetherness we find in our common experiences. We also heal when we are able to share our own story in the safety of a group who will hold our experiences with tender compassion. We believe in the power of story-telling; that when we speak of our internal experiences, we are empowered to metabolize and release the pain. And when our sharing is witnessed in a caring and understanding way, we are more able to accept our painful circumstances. When the bereaved are able to give and receive in these ways, the strength of the group can carry all forward in healing. 

We invite all those who are navigating the grief related to the loss of a loved one to join our next Understanding Your Grief Support Group. More information can be found HERE. 

Have you lost a loved one and find yourself in a never-ending sea of grief? The process of mourning typically takes much longer than we anticipate. As a grief therapist, I know that grief can take a long time, often extending years after a significant loss. There is no protocol for how long grieving is meant to take. In fact, the grief process is wholly informed by the relationship itself. However, there may be some reasons that we may extend the grieving. If this is your experience, you may be encouraged to know that moving through grief emotions and adjustments may help you remember more from your time with your person.

1. We hang on to grief as a way to stay close to our person
Grief and mourning are an intense and all-consuming experience. When we are processing and feeling and adjusting on such an intense scale, our brain is much less available for it’s normal functions. It is common to feel brain fog while grieving. The griever may be tempted to stay in this phase of grief because it centers the person that they lost. The focus is on the relationship and the stories are about the person. The pain seems to point back to their person. The logic here is that staying in the pain of grief must be the only way to stay connected to the person who is now gone.
 
There is a time for all grievers when the pain eases, the emotions have softened and the adjustments are starting to feel normal. It is important to acknowledge when the grief seems to be letting up. And the good news here is that when the griever is out of “survival mode,” they are able to access many more memories and stories from their time with their person. There is a sense of gaining more of them back as the grief softens.

2. We hang on to grief because we don’t know what comes next
Another common experience for those grieving a significant loss is a fear and confusion about the future. Moving forward in life without your person seems impossible for so many reasons. As uncomfortable as the grief experience can be, it does become familiar terrain after a while. For some, the temptation is to stay in the grief because it is familiar instead of navigating the uncertainty of the future.
Considering a new future is a creative task, and one that is unwelcome at first. Our imaginations fail to offer a vision of what our lives might offer us as we move forward. Even so, it is important to choose to allow yourself a new future. Moving toward the opportunities that open ahead of you does not mean that you leave your person in the past. In fact, your forward motion can be propelled by the strengths you have gained through your experiences with your person. We may be able to use their memory as a spring-board toward what comes next, imagining them as an encouraging and empowering voice nudging us forward. It is a lovely thing to learn to carry our person with us as we continue in life.
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Only the griever will know if they are hanging on to their grief unnecessarily. It is an internal milestone, marked by choice in the depths of a grief-stricken heart. If you find yourself wondering if it might be time to move forward and feeling stuck in your grief, please reach out for some support. Our team is available to help navigate all phases of this process!

When we are grieving, we often ask ourselves, “when will I start to feel better?” Seasons of grief are intense and demanding in ways that we don’t experience otherwise. The emotional burden is great, our relationships may be strained as the result of our grief, and everything feels so far from normal. It is natural and normal to long for the end of these feelings. So, what does it look like to engage our grief in a way that leads to healing?
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1. Learn to Tolerate and Accept the Difficult Emotions
Grief requires us to befriend the most uncomfortable emotions. Grief emotions—shock, sadness, confusion, anger, longing, disorientation, despair—are all terribly uncomfortable to feel. And when our loss is significant, we end up feeling them for much longer than we ever expect.
We increase our grief suffering when we fight against the grief emotions—ignoring, avoiding, overcompensating, engaging addiction—these all end up heightening our emotional experience. Additionally, when we don’t tend to our emotions, they may come out sideways in ways we don’t intend.
We can help our grief process along by looking at each grief emotion that we find ourselves feeling and explore its source, its history, its message. In doing so, we are almost listening to the emotion, giving it time and space to breathe. For some, these grief emotions signal danger or threat. Take the time to disentangle these historical messages and learn to welcome each emotional character. In time each of the grief emotions will soften.

2. Notice and Name all of the Adjustments
The other major focus of grief work is making many (sometimes hundreds!) of life adjustments. Without our person in our life, we may find ourselves needing to learn new skills, take on new tasks, fill new roles. Each one of these adjustments can take an enormous amount of emotional energy, during a time in life when energy is at a minimum. It is important to be aware of these adjustments, to bring them into focus by noticing and naming them. Even better, to be talking with an understanding person about them. Sometimes, we can slow the pace and take just one or two tasks or activities at a time. Other times, we just need to keep moving forward and taking care of business. Regardless, naming the many adjustments can be very helpful in processing grief and moving forward in healing.
 
Notice for yourself how difficult these tasks feel. How are you navigating them today? Does your support system know you are working and healing in these ways? What can you request your people do for you as you engage grief healing? If you are in need of a skilled and sensitive grief therapist, please reach out to our team! We understand these tasks and are available to help create safety and opportunity for doing this work!

Losing someone we love is always a heartbreaking and emotionally difficult experience. Grief is the word we use to describe the set of emotions we have and the emotional process we experience related to that important loss. Grief can feel gentle and straightforward or it can feel extremely difficult and consuming, or any variety of this. Grief is often a very natural process of healing from a loss. Sometimes, though, we can get stuck in the healing process and need support to move forward. It might be helpful to understand the different circumstances that might cause us to get stuck.

• UNEMBARKED GRIEF
  • Unembarked grief is an emotional journey that hasn’t been initiated yet. This person has yet to enter the wilderness of  processing through the emotions they have related to the loss of their loved one. There are a number of reasons one might avoid entering the grieving process, and this person may need a skilled grief companion to help them overcome the barriers that exist for them to enter their personal grief journey.
• IMPASSE GRIEF
  • Someone experiencing a grief impasse has come up against a significant barrier in processing their emotions related to their loss. Their grief journey has become obstructed; stuck at a certain point. This may present as a prolonged experience of anger, anxiety, sadness, guilt or panic, and this person may need skilled help to feel safe enough to experience their grief emotions and move forward through them.
• CARRIED GRIEF
  • A person with carried grief has an accumulation of grief from prior losses that have not been mourned completely. This experience may look like difficulty with trust/intimacy, depression, negative outlook, anxiety, panic, emotional numbing, addictions, irritability, physical problems, etc. Additionally, when this person experiences another loss, they are flooded with emotions from all of their losses.
• OFF-TRAIL GRIEF
  • Off—trail grief happens when avoidance patterns replace the work of grief or mourning. These avoidance patterns may look like overworking, overeating, overthinking, addictive behaviors, shopping, travelling, displacing, somaticizing. These may offer temporary relief, but the reality is that they create more personal suffering because the grief does not go away and they have maladaptive patterns that also need to be addressed.
• ENCAMPED GRIEF
  • When someone has encamped grief, they have stopped moving on the journey of grief, they set up permanent residence in their grief. They avoid moving through their emotions related to their loss and become entrenched in their grief experience. This person is choosing their grief experience over nurturing relationships with living family/friends. This may look like unending, unchanging distress, depression and it has a function in their life that will need to be addressed for them to move forward and heal.

Each person’s grief story is completely unique to that person and to the relationship that is lost. Even though we have noticed specific patterns related to complicated grief, there are no consistent reasons why any one person may have these experiences. It is helpful to understand the factors that may be complicating their emotional process:

1. SOCIETAL CONTRIBUTORS
   • How is death incorporated in society?
   • Western societies tend to dodge grief altogether
2. CIRCUMSTANCES OF THE DEATH
   • Are there traumatic elements that make grieving that much harder?
   • Sudden, unexpected, tragic, before-time, out-of-order, means of death, physical distance from death, self-blame for death
3. THE GRIEVER’S UNIQUE PERSONALITY
   • How do they handle emotions, expressing difficult emotions, doing inner work?
4. MENTAL HEALTH
   • Any existing mental health challenges will magnify the grief experience
5. THE GREIVER’S RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PERSON WHO DIED
   • Strong attachments will cause painful grief journeys
   • Complex, complicated or abusive relationships complicate grief process
6. THE GRIEVER’S LOSS HISTORY
   • Each new grief experience is built on all former grief experiences
   • A person’s loss history is as important as their medical history to their doctor
7. THE GRIEVER’S ACCESS TO AND USE OF SUPPORT
   • Does the griever have close family and friends who are offering consistent and ongoing support?
   • Is the person willing to accept support?
8. OTHER CONCURRENT STRESSORS IN THE GRIEVER’S LIFE
   • Grief is made more complicated if it was already a difficult time in life
   • Other stressors might include health, education, aging, relationships, children, parents, finances, etc.
9. THE GRIEVER’S RELIGIOUS/SPIRITUAL/PHILOSOPICAL BACKGROUND
   • Faith systems may help or hinder grief process
   • May provide comfort if grief is embraced; may cause complications if it is not
10. THE GRIEVER’S FAMILY SYSTEM
    • Families have unwritten rules about values, behaviors, social norms, emotionality
    • Some families have the belief that death, grief, emotions are inappropriate to discuss
11. THE GRIEVER’S PARTICIPATION IN MEANINGFUL CEREMONIES
    • Generally speaking, ceremonies help move grief forward. Complicated ceremonies may complicate the grief process.
    • Honoring the loss and remembering the person are crucial to grief journey!
12. THE GRIEVER’S GRIEF COUNSELING EXPERIENCE TO DATE
    • Previous grief counseling may have been positive/negative
    • Beliefs or difficulties experienced before will impact their grief journey now

Now that we may have helped you identify why your grief has become complicated, we want to offer you hope. All of these experiences can be improved! Our skilled therapists know how to meet each person in their grief journey, offering support to get unstuck or to overcome significant barriers. If you are stuck and want to move forward, please reach out to our team! We would love to provide skilled and sensitive grief therapy to make the journey more approachable for you!

• References: Wolfelt, A.D. (2016) Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner. Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press.