Written by Christian Swan, originally published on June 1, 2017

I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. 

I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay.

A Blow to your Expectations  
Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. 

Creating New Rituals 
After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body?  Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. 

It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. 

Remember Why Self-Care Matters
It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! 

Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. 

What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter! 

​Losing loved ones is an inevitable part of living as a human. The times surrounding a loved one’s death can be the most challenging seasons in our lives. Even though loss is a universal human experience, people who are grieving often feel alone and isolated because it seems like no one understands what they are going through. Having a supportive community can provide comfort, solace and opportunities for healing. Finding a grief-oriented community can maximize healing opportunities. 

​Grieving and healing in community is an ancient practice. Before the rise of individual achievement focused societal structures, there were community gathering places and multigenerational homes where people knew how to hold other’s grief. Grief begins healing when it is externalized. We call this expression of grief mourning. We also know that healing happens when our suffering is witnessed and received by a compassionate party. Perhaps more than any other condition, a community of compassionate and understanding witnesses can unlock the power of healing for those who are grieving.

​We believe that community offers opportunities to heal by both hearing and being heard. When we resonate with the stories others are telling, we learn that we are not alone. Sometimes community members verbalize a part of our own experience we haven’t been able to speak about yet. When we are able to see ourselves in another’s story, we are bolstered by the togetherness we find in our common experiences. We also heal when we are able to share our own story in the safety of a group who will hold our experiences with tender compassion. We believe in the power of story-telling; that when we speak of our internal experiences, we are empowered to metabolize and release the pain. And when our sharing is witnessed in a caring and understanding way, we are more able to accept our painful circumstances. When the bereaved are able to give and receive in these ways, the strength of the group can carry all forward in healing. 

We invite all those who are navigating the grief related to the loss of a loved one to join our next Understanding Your Grief Support Group. More information can be found HERE. 

Written by Allison Harvey

Trauma survivors have gone through something that challenged every part of them, most significantly their sense of safety. Their needs are personal, unique to their personality and circumstances, and often quite delicate. Naming these needs creates space for trauma survivors to feel safe, work toward healing and maintain connection with loved ones.

Physical Needs
On a very basic level, trauma survivors have a need for safety and security. Through their traumatic incident(s), they learned to be on guard and watchful. Trauma survivors need a physical location where they can let their guard down and rest. Trauma survivors also need access to medical and psychological care—professionals to come alongside them and nurture their physical and emotional self back to health. Trauma survivors also need adequate nutrition and sleep. Tending to these basic needs helps to heal a nervous system that felt a strong lack of safety.

Emotional Needs
Those who have survived trauma(s) have a strong need for emotional understanding, empathy and validation. When they are ready to share about their story, they need to be received with compassion, support and validation that says “what you are feeling makes sense to me.” Trauma survivors can also be supported with emotional skills that help them navigate trauma triggers and a large emotional burden while they are healing.

Social Needs
Trauma healing happens within a safe, understanding and supportive relationship(s). Those who have survived trauma need their people to remain open to them. Trauma healing can be messy and indirect, so survivors need compassion and grace to learn to feel safe in relationships again. Survivors may need more accommodations so that they can stay regulated, and this may look like them setting boundaries or asking for certain changes. Connecting with others who are healing from trauma can be very beneficial as well.

​Psychological Needs
Professionals who are supporting trauma survivors should be trauma-informed and have a path toward healing in mind. Psychological care should be gentle and paced by the survivor. Professionals should respect the trauma survivor’s wishes to tell their story or not, knowing that healing can happen either way. Trauma survivors benefit greatly from learning and practicing coping mechanisms and stress management techniques. All of these activities support the survivor to rebuild trust, regain resilience and personal strength. 

"Traumatic events are extraordinary, not because they occur rarely, but rather because they overwhelm the ordinary human adaptations to life." 
- Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

When you hear the word, "trauma," what comes to mind? Growing up, I placed trauma in a category of things I only heard about on the news. Events like plane crashes, robbery at gunpoint, or natural disasters made sense to me. Of course they were big and terrible and traumatic--the news said so! However, as I got older, I realized that there was much more grey area about what was actually considered trauma or not. Some trauma is publicized, but other times thoughts about it can become so difficult that even one's closest friends do not know about it. Furthermore, trauma to one person may not be considered trauma to another. In these cases, is it still considered trauma? 
While some trauma can take a very clear and pervasive form, like in the cases I mentioned above, it can also be more subtle and even happen over a period of time. Often, individuals do not seek out the counseling treatment they need because they do not feel like their experiences were "bad enough." If you are wondering if you have experienced trauma and should consider counseling, I recommend asking yourself two questions. 

First, do you have experiences in your life that you would define as traumatic? I'm not asking whether your aunt or the newspaper or your Facebook feed calls it traumatic. Instead, I want to know how YOU feel about your experiences. If you have experienced an event in your life that you define as traumatic and want to talk about it, I would urge you to consider calling a counselor. You may be surprised by how healing it is to have your story of trauma validated by an objective individual. 

Perhaps you are certain you have experienced trauma, but still do not know if you should consider counseling. In that case, my second question to you is this: are you having difficulties in life that you did not have before the trauma occurred? For example, you may find that you struggle to sleep through the night, have an increased/decreased appetite, or have difficulty completing tasks efficiently at work or school. Or maybe the experience of the trauma has become so pervasive that you can't seem to stop thinking about it. By seeing a counselor, you can begin to develop coping skills that will reduce your post-traumatic symptoms and help you feel more functional in your daily life. 

If you can answer yes to one or both of these questions, it may be time to consider reaching out for trauma therapy. Healing is possible when you are willing to commit the time to properly honor your story in the context of a safe relationship. 

Written by Christian Swan on March 09, 2017

Have you lost a loved one and find yourself in a never-ending sea of grief? The process of mourning typically takes much longer than we anticipate. As a grief therapist, I know that grief can take a long time, often extending years after a significant loss. There is no protocol for how long grieving is meant to take. In fact, the grief process is wholly informed by the relationship itself. However, there may be some reasons that we may extend the grieving. If this is your experience, you may be encouraged to know that moving through grief emotions and adjustments may help you remember more from your time with your person.

1. We hang on to grief as a way to stay close to our person
Grief and mourning are an intense and all-consuming experience. When we are processing and feeling and adjusting on such an intense scale, our brain is much less available for it’s normal functions. It is common to feel brain fog while grieving. The griever may be tempted to stay in this phase of grief because it centers the person that they lost. The focus is on the relationship and the stories are about the person. The pain seems to point back to their person. The logic here is that staying in the pain of grief must be the only way to stay connected to the person who is now gone.
 
There is a time for all grievers when the pain eases, the emotions have softened and the adjustments are starting to feel normal. It is important to acknowledge when the grief seems to be letting up. And the good news here is that when the griever is out of “survival mode,” they are able to access many more memories and stories from their time with their person. There is a sense of gaining more of them back as the grief softens.

2. We hang on to grief because we don’t know what comes next
Another common experience for those grieving a significant loss is a fear and confusion about the future. Moving forward in life without your person seems impossible for so many reasons. As uncomfortable as the grief experience can be, it does become familiar terrain after a while. For some, the temptation is to stay in the grief because it is familiar instead of navigating the uncertainty of the future.
Considering a new future is a creative task, and one that is unwelcome at first. Our imaginations fail to offer a vision of what our lives might offer us as we move forward. Even so, it is important to choose to allow yourself a new future. Moving toward the opportunities that open ahead of you does not mean that you leave your person in the past. In fact, your forward motion can be propelled by the strengths you have gained through your experiences with your person. We may be able to use their memory as a spring-board toward what comes next, imagining them as an encouraging and empowering voice nudging us forward. It is a lovely thing to learn to carry our person with us as we continue in life.
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Only the griever will know if they are hanging on to their grief unnecessarily. It is an internal milestone, marked by choice in the depths of a grief-stricken heart. If you find yourself wondering if it might be time to move forward and feeling stuck in your grief, please reach out for some support. Our team is available to help navigate all phases of this process!

Grief is often a completely confusing, disorienting, painful and lonely experience. There are many elements of our modern society and culture that make this experience that much more difficult and lonely. Bereavement, grief and mourning are very natural and necessary experiences, and they have the potential to be traumatic and/or transformative. One of the greatest gifts the bereaved can receive is the presence of a compassionate companion. Let’s take a closer look at what it means to offer this meaningful and healing companionship to someone who is grieving.

The most effective way to mourn after a loss is to share your thoughts and feelings (grief) with a compassionate listener (grief companion). The Grief Companion HOLDS SPACE for those who are grieving by providing a safe and empathetic presence in which the mourner can begin to explore the terrain of their inner world. HOLDING SPACE for the mourner is your contribution to their care. The grief companion does not guide the mourner, instead allows the mourner to choose the path. True expertise of grief lies with (and only with) the unique person who is grieving.

More specifically, Grief Companionship is being present to another person’s pain. The Grief Companion is willing to go into the wilderness of the soul with the bereaved. This is a spiritual journey, not only an intellectual journey. The Grief Companion is committed to bear witness to the struggles of the bereaved without judgement, direction, or quick fixes. They allow the disorder and confusion that so often afflicts the bereaved. They trust that the bereaved will find their way through the jungle of emotion and joins their journey with compassionate curiosity.

Central to the role of Grief Companion is the art of honoring stories.

In telling the story of their love and loss, mourners:

• Find wholeness among their fractured parts,
• Identify how loving and losing has affected their life,
• Build comfort with the emotional and spiritual realms of life,
• Create awareness and connections they previously haven’t made,
• Discover their truth in the present moment,
• Explore their changing identity and ways in which they have been transformed.

The art of Grief Companionship involves slowing down, becoming acquainted with the mourner’s inner world, and to really listen as the mourner embraces the reality of their loss, their pain, important memories and search for meaning. Each of our Benediction therapists are equipped as compassionate Grief Companions and we would be honored to journey with you in your grief.

• References: Wolfelt, A.D. (2016) Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner. Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press.