Supporting a loved one who is being harmed in an abusive relationship can feel overwhelming, confusing, and emotionally taxing, but your care and presence can make a significant difference. The most important thing to remember is that abuse is never the survivor’s fault, and leaving an abusive relationship can be complicated and sometimes dangerous. Approach your loved one with empathy, patience, and nonjudgmental listening. Let them know you believe them, that you are there for them, and that their safety and autonomy are your top priorities. 

Education about the dynamics of abuse can empower you to provide more effective support. Understanding tactics like coercive control, manipulation, and isolation helps you recognize the seriousness of the situation without pressuring your loved one to act before they are ready. Encourage them to connect with trained professionals, such as domestic violence advocates, therapists, or local support organizations, and offer to help find resources or accompany them if they wish. Avoid making ultimatums or trying to “rescue” them, as this can sometimes increase feelings of shame or fear. Your role is to provide a steady, compassionate presence, validating their experiences while respecting their choices.
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Your support can foster hope and a sense of empowerment for someone experiencing abuse. Remind them that they are not alone and that help exists, from hotlines and shelters to counseling and legal advocacy. Practice patience with yourself as well—supporting a loved one through abuse can bring up strong emotions and challenges. Remember to maintain your own boundaries and seek guidance when needed so you can continue being a steady, compassionate presence. By offering empathy, understanding, and informed support, you help your loved one recognize their strength and take steps toward safety, healing, and reclaiming their autonomy.

Domestic violence can impact a child’s development, behavior, and relationships. Exposure to abuse is linked to difficulties with emotional regulation, social interactions, and academic performance. Some children may become withdrawn, anxious, or depressed, while others may act out with anger or aggression. Long-term effects can include challenges with trust, forming healthy relationships, and coping with stress. Understanding these potential impacts allows caregivers, educators, and mental health professionals to provide appropriate support and interventions, helping children feel safe, heard, and valued.

​When children are exposed to domestic violence, ensuring their safety is the first and most urgent priority. Caregivers can take practical steps to protect children while providing emotional support:

1. Develop a Safety Plan – Identify safe areas in the home, escape routes, and emergency contacts. Prepare a “go bag” with essentials such as clothing, important documents, and medications. If leaving the home, plan a safe location in advance, such as a trusted family member’s home or a local shelter.
   
2. Reach Out to Professionals – Contact trained advocates, domestic violence shelters, child protective services, or law enforcement for guidance. These professionals can help you navigate safe removal, temporary housing, and legal protections. Hotlines, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE), offer 24/7 support and resources.
   
3. Provide Emotional Support – Talk to children in age-appropriate ways about their feelings, reassuring them that the abuse is not their fault. Encourage them to express themselves through conversation, art, or journaling. Consistency, routines, and a calm environment help children feel secure during transitions.
   
4. Connect to Ongoing Care – Counseling, support groups, and therapy specialized in trauma can help children process their experiences, build resilience, and develop healthy coping skills. Caregivers should also seek support for themselves to maintain emotional strength while assisting children.
   

By taking these steps, caregivers can protect children from immediate harm while supporting their emotional well-being. Awareness, preparation, and professional guidance empower families to navigate these challenging situations safely, helping children heal, feel valued, and reclaim a sense of security.

 Written by Christian Swan on March 16, 2017

I still remember my exact location and can nearly return to the sensations I felt in my body the moment I got the text message. I remember reading the words, "active shooter," from my husband who was in his office on that sunny day in June. While my husband returned home safely that evening, there is no arguing that he suffered a major traumatic incident. 

In the days and weeks that followed, my husband and I received an overwhelming amount of support. Our phones were overloaded with text messages and calls from loved ones, and we even received a few free meals. I was very thankful for the community we had at the time, and yet noticed a common thread in all of the support we were receiving. "How is your husband? Is he doing better?" people would ask me. I would answer their questions, and they felt relieved to hear that my husband was healing well. However, I was still suffering, and I struggled to advocate for the support I needed at the time. 

As the loved one of a survivor of trauma, I also became a survivor of secondary/vicarious trauma. Secondary trauma occurs as a result of secondary exposure to traumatic content. When our loved ones are impacted by trauma, we want to listen to their story and help in any way possible. And yet, it is too easily to overlook the effects their stories have on our own bodies. These effects can manifest themselves in various ways, from sleep disturbance to irritability to excessive fear and worry. 
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Do you have a loved one who recently survived a traumatic event? Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed and excessively tired as you seek to provide care. You may also find yourself struggling to find meaningful ways to support your loved one. Below are some ways that you can support yourself during this time:
   1.) Honor your experience as a secondary survivor of trauma. Often, secondary survivors feel guilty when they become overwhelmed by their loved one's story. It is too easy to say, "I need to stop feeling badly because the trauma didn't happen directly to me." Instead, consider the effects that these stories are having on your body and take time to name your own traumatic experiencing. 
    2.) Seek activities that nourish you. Some ideas may be getting outside, practicing yoga or meditation, going to a concert, calling a close friend, or taking  a nap. What activities help you feel refreshed? Pursue them.
    3.) Consider professional counseling. Taking time to focus on your own experience will not only help you to heal but will also give you more freedom to care for your loved one.