Reconciliation, the culmination of the grief process, represents a delicate yet profound step where the loss is integrated into the person's life in a meaningful way. This is not about "getting over" the loss but finding peace with the reality of it. Reconciliation occurs when the emotional intensity of grief softens, allowing the person to adapt to a life where their loved one is physically absent but emotionally present. It involves recognizing that while the pain of loss may never fully disappear, it is possible to experience moments of joy and connection again. In this phase, individuals start to embrace both the grief and the potential for healing, finding ways to hold onto the memory of their loved one while stepping forward with their life.
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In this stage, a key aspect of reconciliation is the ability to reflect on the relationship and the loss with a more balanced perspective. People may feel a growing sense of acceptance, even though there may still be moments of deep sadness. Over time, the memories of the person may bring a mixture of emotions, where feelings of warmth, gratitude, and even joy begin to blend with the grief. This shift allows individuals to reconcile their present reality with the love and bond they will always carry. There is a new understanding of how to live with the absence—not by erasing the loss, but by learning how to incorporate it into one’s evolving life story.

Reaching reconciliation in the grief process offers a message of hope. It is a testament to the human capacity for resilience and transformation. The process of integrating loss allows people to rediscover themselves and the world around them with a deeper sense of compassion and strength. While grief remains a part of their lives, it no longer defines them. Instead, they honor the love they’ve lost while also allowing space for new experiences and relationships. This delicate balance between sorrow and renewal is a sign that healing is possible, even in the face of profound loss.

The loss of a loved one often brings with it the need to learn new roles, a process that can feel both overwhelming and daunting. When someone close to us passes away, the roles they played in our lives—whether as a partner, parent, friend, or caregiver—leave a void that can be challenging to fill. The grieving person may find themselves stepping into responsibilities they never anticipated, such as managing finances, taking care of household tasks, or making decisions that were once shared. This shift can add a layer of stress to the grief process, making it important to approach these changes with patience and self-compassion.

Learning new roles during grief is not just about acquiring new skills; it's also about redefining one's identity in the wake of loss. It can be difficult to adjust to life without the presence of the loved one, and stepping into their role can feel like an emotional burden. However, it's crucial to remember that this is a gradual process, and it's okay to ask for help along the way. Friends, family members, and grief therapists can provide guidance and assistance, easing the transition and ensuring that the grieving person doesn't feel isolated in their new responsibilities.

While the process of learning new roles after a loss is undoubtedly challenging, it can also be an opportunity for growth and empowerment. As individuals adapt to these new responsibilities, they may discover strengths they didn't know they had and develop a deeper sense of independence. Over time, this journey can lead to a renewed sense of purpose and confidence, helping the grieving person find their footing in a world that has been irrevocably changed. Though the path is not easy, it is one that can lead to healing and a greater appreciation for personal strengths and identities that emerge in the process.

The process of mourning begins with the essential and often painful step of acknowledging the reality of the death. This step requires mourners to gently confront the reality of their loss, which can take weeks, months, or even years. During this time, it is not uncommon for mourners to remind themselves repeatedly that their loved one has died. Accepting the permanence of this loss is crucial for healing, though it may be one of the most challenging aspects of the mourning process. Confronting the truth, despite the pain it brings, lays the foundation for moving forward.

Feeling the pain of the loss is another crucial aspect of the grieving process. Bereavement literally means to be torn apart, and embracing the pain that comes with loss is essential to healing. One of the greatest challenges for those accompanying mourners in their grief is to be present to the pain without trying to fix it. Allowing oneself to fully experience the depth of this pain, rather than avoiding or suppressing it, is a critical step towards eventual healing.

Remembering the person who has died is a vital part of the mourning journey. This involves exploring the relationship that existed with the deceased and working to remember them in their entirety, including both positive and negative aspects. By converting the relationship from one of presence to one of memory, mourners can honor the person who has died and keep their memory alive in a meaningful way. This process helps to integrate the loss into the mourner’s life and find a new way to maintain a connection with their loved one.

As the mourner adapts to life without their loved one, developing a new self-identity becomes necessary. The loss of a relationship often means adjusting to new roles and responsibilities in life. This readjustment allows the mourner to create a new sense of wholeness, filling in the gaps left by the deceased. This can be one of the most draining tasks of mourning, as it requires significant emotional and psychological effort to redefine oneself and one’s place in the world.

Searching for meaning in the aftermath of loss is a deeply personal and often spiritual journey. This process often involves an exploration of faith and values, as mourners reevaluate their meaning in life and reasons for continuing to live. It is essential for those supporting mourners to resist the temptation to provide answers to these profound questions. Allowing the mourner to find their own meaning and understanding is a vital part of the healing process, fostering a sense of personal growth and resilience.

Finally, receiving ongoing support from others is crucial for mourners as they navigate their grief. The need for support can last for months or even years, as grief does not follow a set timeline. Even when mourners appear to have adjusted to their loss externally, they may still be processing a great deal internally. After the acute pain of loss subsides, grief often manifests in "bursts," making it essential for mourners to have a network of support that they can rely on over the long term. This continued support helps them to cope with their grief and move towards healing. Our team of sensitive and skilled therapists can help navigate all of these needs!
  
Wolfelt, A.D. (2016) Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner. Ft. Collins, CO: Companion Press. 

Written by Christian Swan, originally published on June 1, 2017

I mentioned the concept of self-care to a new mother a few weeks ago, and she just started laughing at me. Her eyes, darkened by lack of sleep, seemed to shine as she laughed and I couldn't tell if she was going to start crying or laughing louder. Does this woman sound familiar to you? Perhaps you have met this woman before, or she may even be the woman who stares at you in the mirror every morning. In the early days of motherhood, it can be difficult to separate the concept of caring for yourself versus your baby. Comparison, the thief of joy, may also sneak into your thoughts as you begin to see other mothers to "have it together" or have babies with easier temperaments. Self-care must be for those moms. Or maybe, as you compare, you begin to think that self-care is something only selfish people do. Don't these other mothers recognize that they have a child to take care of? Perhaps that should be taking priority over the self. 

I've heard some people refer to the early days of motherhood as "survival mode." As long as you survive that first year of motherhood, you are thriving. But what if I told you that self-care is actually an integral part of that survival? In fact, developing a good self-care practice may actually lead to true thriving instead of the feigned, half-crying, half-laughing insistence that you are doing okay.

A Blow to your Expectations  
Before I became a mother, I would wake up every morning and have a two hour self-care ritual. I exercised for 30 minutes to an hour, cooked breakfast, made hot tea, and sat alone at the table while I enjoyed it. Pre-baby, this is how I would have defined self-care, because it was what nourished me best at the time. Becoming a mother required a shift in my expectations of what self-care would look like. There was absolutely no way this was going to happen after my baby was born (nor has it happened since), as my child seldom left my chest for the first several months of her life. The first step to creating a good self-care ritual postpartum is acknowledgement that self-care will not look the same. This may also involve a period of grief, where you take time to mourn the loss of self-care practices that worked well for you for so long. 

Creating New Rituals 
After you have taken time to grieve (and given yourself grace if this grief took longer than expected), one can begin to redefine self-care as it applies to postpartum life. Are there really ways that you can care for yourself in the first few weeks of motherhood? Yes! While self-care may not be a 2 hour morning routine, or an hour long run, or even a long evening out with girl friends, it is still possible to create meaningful rituals around self-care. Sometimes, self-care may look like mindfulness and self-compassion. As you nourish your baby, can you take time to notice the sensations in your body?  Or, can you practice having compassion for yourself in the middle of the night when you feel too tired to move and the baby is crying again? Can you remind yourself that you are still a good mother if you are wishing you did not have to wake up every 2-3 hours? In my early days of motherhood, I developed my self-care rituals around our nursing schedule. Before nursing, I would notice if I had any needs first. Did I need another pillow behind my back? Did I need to have food in front of me? By creating comfort for myself before nursing, I was able to nurse my child more joyfully instead of focusing on my back pain/hunger/etc. 

It's possible that these recommended rituals don't resonate with you at all, but I invite you to take time today to think about what might be nourishing for you instead. You know yourself and your needs best, and I encourage you to listen to them. 

Remember Why Self-Care Matters
It's very possible that you have read this and still do not believe self-care is necessary--that perhaps it is a luxury only afforded to some mothers. However, my hope is that all mothers will recognize how valuable self-care is, not only for your own mental health, but for your child as well! 

Do you remember hearing a flight attendant talk about putting an oxygen mask onto yourself before putting it on to your child? When I first heard this, I remember thinking that I would always put it on my child first. However, you can't care for your child if you are not breathing! The same concept applies regarding self-care. It is more difficult to give your child the best care he/she needs if you are not creating rituals that will help you thrive during the day. By taking time out of your day to care for yourself, you are setting yourself up for more success as an individual and as a parent. 

What are some ways that you can meaningfully take care of yourself during this new stage of life? If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed regarding the topic of self-care, it could be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend or a mental health professional who is trained in postpartum care. In this new and exhausting stage of life, you and your mental health do truly matter! 

Written by Allison Harvey

Trauma survivors have gone through something that challenged every part of them, most significantly their sense of safety. Their needs are personal, unique to their personality and circumstances, and often quite delicate. Naming these needs creates space for trauma survivors to feel safe, work toward healing and maintain connection with loved ones.

Physical Needs
On a very basic level, trauma survivors have a need for safety and security. Through their traumatic incident(s), they learned to be on guard and watchful. Trauma survivors need a physical location where they can let their guard down and rest. Trauma survivors also need access to medical and psychological care—professionals to come alongside them and nurture their physical and emotional self back to health. Trauma survivors also need adequate nutrition and sleep. Tending to these basic needs helps to heal a nervous system that felt a strong lack of safety.

Emotional Needs
Those who have survived trauma(s) have a strong need for emotional understanding, empathy and validation. When they are ready to share about their story, they need to be received with compassion, support and validation that says “what you are feeling makes sense to me.” Trauma survivors can also be supported with emotional skills that help them navigate trauma triggers and a large emotional burden while they are healing.

Social Needs
Trauma healing happens within a safe, understanding and supportive relationship(s). Those who have survived trauma need their people to remain open to them. Trauma healing can be messy and indirect, so survivors need compassion and grace to learn to feel safe in relationships again. Survivors may need more accommodations so that they can stay regulated, and this may look like them setting boundaries or asking for certain changes. Connecting with others who are healing from trauma can be very beneficial as well.

​Psychological Needs
Professionals who are supporting trauma survivors should be trauma-informed and have a path toward healing in mind. Psychological care should be gentle and paced by the survivor. Professionals should respect the trauma survivor’s wishes to tell their story or not, knowing that healing can happen either way. Trauma survivors benefit greatly from learning and practicing coping mechanisms and stress management techniques. All of these activities support the survivor to rebuild trust, regain resilience and personal strength. 

 Written by Christian Swan on March 16, 2017

I still remember my exact location and can nearly return to the sensations I felt in my body the moment I got the text message. I remember reading the words, "active shooter," from my husband who was in his office on that sunny day in June. While my husband returned home safely that evening, there is no arguing that he suffered a major traumatic incident. 

In the days and weeks that followed, my husband and I received an overwhelming amount of support. Our phones were overloaded with text messages and calls from loved ones, and we even received a few free meals. I was very thankful for the community we had at the time, and yet noticed a common thread in all of the support we were receiving. "How is your husband? Is he doing better?" people would ask me. I would answer their questions, and they felt relieved to hear that my husband was healing well. However, I was still suffering, and I struggled to advocate for the support I needed at the time. 

As the loved one of a survivor of trauma, I also became a survivor of secondary/vicarious trauma. Secondary trauma occurs as a result of secondary exposure to traumatic content. When our loved ones are impacted by trauma, we want to listen to their story and help in any way possible. And yet, it is too easily to overlook the effects their stories have on our own bodies. These effects can manifest themselves in various ways, from sleep disturbance to irritability to excessive fear and worry. 
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Do you have a loved one who recently survived a traumatic event? Perhaps you are feeling overwhelmed and excessively tired as you seek to provide care. You may also find yourself struggling to find meaningful ways to support your loved one. Below are some ways that you can support yourself during this time:
   1.) Honor your experience as a secondary survivor of trauma. Often, secondary survivors feel guilty when they become overwhelmed by their loved one's story. It is too easy to say, "I need to stop feeling badly because the trauma didn't happen directly to me." Instead, consider the effects that these stories are having on your body and take time to name your own traumatic experiencing. 
    2.) Seek activities that nourish you. Some ideas may be getting outside, practicing yoga or meditation, going to a concert, calling a close friend, or taking  a nap. What activities help you feel refreshed? Pursue them.
    3.) Consider professional counseling. Taking time to focus on your own experience will not only help you to heal but will also give you more freedom to care for your loved one. 

"Traumatic events are extraordinary, not because they occur rarely, but rather because they overwhelm the ordinary human adaptations to life." 
- Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

When you hear the word, "trauma," what comes to mind? Growing up, I placed trauma in a category of things I only heard about on the news. Events like plane crashes, robbery at gunpoint, or natural disasters made sense to me. Of course they were big and terrible and traumatic--the news said so! However, as I got older, I realized that there was much more grey area about what was actually considered trauma or not. Some trauma is publicized, but other times thoughts about it can become so difficult that even one's closest friends do not know about it. Furthermore, trauma to one person may not be considered trauma to another. In these cases, is it still considered trauma? 
While some trauma can take a very clear and pervasive form, like in the cases I mentioned above, it can also be more subtle and even happen over a period of time. Often, individuals do not seek out the counseling treatment they need because they do not feel like their experiences were "bad enough." If you are wondering if you have experienced trauma and should consider counseling, I recommend asking yourself two questions. 

First, do you have experiences in your life that you would define as traumatic? I'm not asking whether your aunt or the newspaper or your Facebook feed calls it traumatic. Instead, I want to know how YOU feel about your experiences. If you have experienced an event in your life that you define as traumatic and want to talk about it, I would urge you to consider calling a counselor. You may be surprised by how healing it is to have your story of trauma validated by an objective individual. 

Perhaps you are certain you have experienced trauma, but still do not know if you should consider counseling. In that case, my second question to you is this: are you having difficulties in life that you did not have before the trauma occurred? For example, you may find that you struggle to sleep through the night, have an increased/decreased appetite, or have difficulty completing tasks efficiently at work or school. Or maybe the experience of the trauma has become so pervasive that you can't seem to stop thinking about it. By seeing a counselor, you can begin to develop coping skills that will reduce your post-traumatic symptoms and help you feel more functional in your daily life. 

If you can answer yes to one or both of these questions, it may be time to consider reaching out for trauma therapy. Healing is possible when you are willing to commit the time to properly honor your story in the context of a safe relationship. 

Written by Christian Swan on March 09, 2017

​Practicing this DBT Skill can help us stay grounded and connected this holiday season! Mindfulness is a skill that, when practiced regularly, is a great tool to reduce stress, connect with our personal goals and create genuine connection with others. The holidays can be rich in memory, sentiment and relationship. They can also be full of family expectations, grief and reminders of trauma. These, and many more experiences, can overwhelm, cause us to disregard our own needs, and flood us with many different emotions. In order to enjoy the positive aspects of the holiday and skillfully navigate the challenges, try practicing mindfulness throughout your holiday season!

Mindfulness has three components:

1. Present moment awareness
2. Non-judgement
3. Experiencing present moment as it is, without enhancing or avoiding the moment

Mindfulness as Stress-Reduction
For many, the holiday season means a busy schedule and many more tasks and to-dos than normal. Practicing mindfulness in the midst of the whirlwind helps to produce moments of calm to catch our breath and remember our priorities. Mindfulness also helps us evaluate where our time and energy are going and make the most intentional decisions for ourselves in this season.
 
Mindfulness as Social Support
Paying attention to the present moment, without judgement can give us a lot of important information about what is happening in a room, or in a conversation. In the midst of a holiday gathering, take a moment to simply observe what is happening inside and outside of yourself. Allow yourself the gift of a few deeper breaths. Notice who is talking with who, and what those dynamics are like. Notice what is happening inside yourself as you connect with different people. Hold this information lightly and without judgement, and allow this information to guide your interactions.
 
Mindfulness to support Intentional Decisions
If you find yourself navigating a lot of spoken and/or unspoken expectations over the holidays, mindfulness skills can help you identify your needs and desires and to stay connected to them throughout the season. Spend some intentional moments noticing where you would like your time and energy to go this season, what would make it memorable and special for you and yours. Notice how other’s expectations are making you feel, especially if those expectations cause you to disregard your own needs and desires. Give yourself the gift of staying connected to yourself and your values, which becomes a much more congruent and grounded holiday experience.  

Have you lost a loved one and find yourself in a never-ending sea of grief? The process of mourning typically takes much longer than we anticipate. As a grief therapist, I know that grief can take a long time, often extending years after a significant loss. There is no protocol for how long grieving is meant to take. In fact, the grief process is wholly informed by the relationship itself. However, there may be some reasons that we may extend the grieving. If this is your experience, you may be encouraged to know that moving through grief emotions and adjustments may help you remember more from your time with your person.

1. We hang on to grief as a way to stay close to our person
Grief and mourning are an intense and all-consuming experience. When we are processing and feeling and adjusting on such an intense scale, our brain is much less available for it’s normal functions. It is common to feel brain fog while grieving. The griever may be tempted to stay in this phase of grief because it centers the person that they lost. The focus is on the relationship and the stories are about the person. The pain seems to point back to their person. The logic here is that staying in the pain of grief must be the only way to stay connected to the person who is now gone.
 
There is a time for all grievers when the pain eases, the emotions have softened and the adjustments are starting to feel normal. It is important to acknowledge when the grief seems to be letting up. And the good news here is that when the griever is out of “survival mode,” they are able to access many more memories and stories from their time with their person. There is a sense of gaining more of them back as the grief softens.

2. We hang on to grief because we don’t know what comes next
Another common experience for those grieving a significant loss is a fear and confusion about the future. Moving forward in life without your person seems impossible for so many reasons. As uncomfortable as the grief experience can be, it does become familiar terrain after a while. For some, the temptation is to stay in the grief because it is familiar instead of navigating the uncertainty of the future.
Considering a new future is a creative task, and one that is unwelcome at first. Our imaginations fail to offer a vision of what our lives might offer us as we move forward. Even so, it is important to choose to allow yourself a new future. Moving toward the opportunities that open ahead of you does not mean that you leave your person in the past. In fact, your forward motion can be propelled by the strengths you have gained through your experiences with your person. We may be able to use their memory as a spring-board toward what comes next, imagining them as an encouraging and empowering voice nudging us forward. It is a lovely thing to learn to carry our person with us as we continue in life.
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Only the griever will know if they are hanging on to their grief unnecessarily. It is an internal milestone, marked by choice in the depths of a grief-stricken heart. If you find yourself wondering if it might be time to move forward and feeling stuck in your grief, please reach out for some support. Our team is available to help navigate all phases of this process!